Appliances have personalities. Now, there’s not one person out there who disagrees with this. Think about your own appliances. Mmhmm. Here’s the Human Resources file on mine:

Washer/Dryer

• Unfailingly Annoyingly cheerful
• Plays Schubert’s The Trout when a load is complete.
• Naive

Refrigerator

• Long-suffering
• Generously makes room for items when Mom needs it to
• Not vain about appearance – accepts second job as art gallery without extra pay

Oven/Range

• Overperformer
• In cahoots with the smoke alarm
• Has commercial aspirations

Microwave

• Silently biding its time
• Passive-aggressively takes pleasure in beeping as loud as possible after small children have gone to bed.

Dishwasher

• Only keeps door shut under duress
• Grumbles but performs
• Best when graded on a curve

Freezer

[Ah yes… the freezer. Even though the freezer is part and parcel with the fridge I’m giving it its own entry.]

• Underperformer except for ice cream (puts all the energy into dropping ice cream temperature to 4°K)
• Depressed
• Generates a shocking amount of frost despite being brand new and having no seal problems
• Ice maker unreliable*

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* Look, the ice maker defies description. I’m going to put down verbatim the conversation I had with it last week.

[I open the freezer and find 3 ice cubes.]

Me: What have you been doing all day? Three ice cubes?? Seriously?

I.M.: [Shrugs, avoids eye contact.]

Me: Look, I know sometimes we put demands on you but we’re reasonable people. I don’t expect ice every 15 minutes. I do expect you to have two tray’s worth finished since we’ve been gone all morning to church. Is that too much to ask?

I.M.: [coughs slightly, focuses intently on ice cream]

Me: No, leave that ice cream alone! I think you’re obsessed with it!

I.M.: [rolls eyes]

Me: *sigh* Look, just put a little more effort into it. Are you frosted over? *checks* No, you’re just fine. I think you’re a hypochondriac.

I.M.: …

Me: Ok, ok, I’m done.