Things I didn’t know before I had children 

Coloring is a contact sport.

The only right way to get dressed is to have a race with someone else.

Wearing a ponytail can save your life.*

Cake means birthday regardless of the calendar.

Children don’t actually like making sandcastles in molds. 

It’s possible to survive entirely on a diet of bread and cheese.

Tadpoles in the drainage ditch are more interesting than historic forts.

You can’t make a child be quiet in church. If they are determined to cry/yell/talk loudly, they will, and no admonishment, redirecting, threats, or bribes will deter them.

Everything, everything, is a group activity.

A pad of post-it notes buys you 20 minutes of peace.

If they ask for a cheese sandwich cut into triangles there is a 50% chance they wanted squares, a 35% chance they didn’t want it cut, and a 15% chance they wanted PBJ. 

Anything can be anthropomorphized. I was told yesterday that the top to a plastic teapot “liked” me, and I had to assure Moppet that the three tape measures she had tucked into a “bed” with their heads sticking out were cozy.

* A few nights ago during the babies’ bath I walked into the bathroom unaware that there was a gallon of water on the floor, and in pure slapstick fashion, fell flat on my back and hit my head. 

5 thoughts on “Things I didn’t know before I had children 

    • Once they start crying, they simply have to stop when they decide they want to. We can encourage it as much as we can, but you can’t MAKE them stop. Even now I find this frustrating and bewildering.


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