Cutbacks

Globally we are needing to cut expenses and raise revenue. While a lot of attention has been focused on Greece and the UK (and frankly, just about every other country), Americans are slowly waking up to the fact that we are in the same boat. It would appear that a black hole has opened up somewhere off the coast of California into which the dollars are disappearing. Until the scientists have located said black hole and neutralized it, everyone is going to have to cut back. Here are some ways the American government is looking to reduce spending:

1. At the suggestion of a western senator, the parks department is considering the merits of removing one of the faces from Mount Rushmore. As the senator said, “it just doesn’t seem reasonable to keep up all four when people will get just as much enjoyment from three.” Not discussed, which face will disappear.

2. “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.” According to the US Postal Service, they could eliminate snow and rain from the conditions under which they work thereby cutting their creed by 50%. Their suggestion has been cheerfully backed by UPS and FedEx.

3. NASA is usually the first agency approached when cuts in government spending are discussed and this was no exception. In a rare concession, NASA officials have agreed to eliminate three phases of the moon since this will save ink in printing calendars. Dissension is rife over which phase to leave: Astronomers are pushing for new moon conditions (no moon visible) to enhance stargazing. A small but vocal group of vampire fans are championing the merits of the full moon. Emergency room workers around the country are raising a campaign against the full moon faction because of a projected increase in the “full moon effect” on emergency room visits. They have said they don’t care which phase is chosen as long as it is anything but full. Oceanographers alone have railed against eliminating any moon phases but their spokesperson said that NASA has not been returning calls.

4. In a statement released last week the Department of Transportation has offered to standardize speed limits by changing all of them to 45 mph. They said that the savings would be “incalculable” which is actually proving to be a true statement. In other news, the DOT has set up a special 1-800 number to handle the calls from the trucking industry, school safety officials, and many others. (1-800-NO-POINT)

5. In an unexpected development, the US Senate has generously offered to print all of their documents using 11 point font rather than the traditional 12 point font to save both ink and paper. In appreciation for such a gracious sacrifice on the part of the Senate, the Senate voted raises for all of the members of the Senate and issued special “letters of commendation” that will be presented at a special black-tie function this weekend.

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