What can I say today? You were officially due today, but your birthday was a long time ago. There was a time, not so very long ago, that I thought this day would be hell. I thought I’d be thinking of all the minute things I would be doing to get ready for your long-awaited appearance. Today hasn’t been like that (so far).
I realized the trap of living in a fantasy world, of always knowing “how far along I would be”, of keeping up with your projected development on charts. The reality was very different. I had to throw away a calendar on which I had marked the dates. You wouldn’t have been a decent 7 1/2 pounds, because that never existed. Your reality was smaller. I had to learn to completely embrace your reality instead of mourning over what wasn’t and what wasn’t to be.
Over the past weekend I came to some peace. I started feeling some gratitude as well as sorrow. I am grateful that God allowed you to be with me for as long as he did. I’m grateful for so many of my prayers being answered. For instance:
I wanted to deliver you at home, in water.
I didn’t want you taken away from me after birth.
I wanted to deliver you on my own, not have a surgeon take you out.
I hoped you would be delivered at night so the other children would be shielded from the worst of it.
I hoped and prayed your body would still be intact.
It was, and you were beautiful.
Yes, there were things I never got to experience with you. I can’t focus on that. The reality is that your body was born April 10th and your soul was born into Heaven sometime during the week before March 31st. You are my perfect child, a pure soul. Continue to pray for us, your parents, and your brothers and sisters. We love you so very much.