Working on Lost Innocents has been both difficult and cathartic: difficult when I must read the story of someone else’s miscarriage in the course of researching material for it, cathartic when I think I may be helping someone. I’ve had huge doubts about the wisdom of continuing it. I hate the thought of reinventing the wheel. I’m trying to remember that the whole point was to gather important things together in one safe place that was Orthodox, not evangelical protestant, pagan, secular, new age, etc. It wasn’t going to include poetry or pictures of daisies and sunsets, but give more practical yet comforting help. I hope I’m managing (slowly) to accomplish this.
I’m trying to find my footing mentally. I have to remember to ward off intrusive thoughts – I try to keep my prayer rope with me all the time. The temptation to guilt is sometimes overwhelming. I have to keep reminding myself that Innocent didn’t ‘fall out’, he died – all on his own – and I even kept carrying him for at least three weeks afterward. I find myself berating myself for not having held onto him tight enough so that he ‘fell out’. It’s a constant battle. Prayer, prayer, prayer. At the same time, hearing someone say something like, “It was God’s will,” drives me up a wall. God didn’t make us for death! He made us for life – but all of created existence is fallen now and death and sickness is a part of that. The icon of the resurrection depicting Christ literally yanking Adam and Eve from their tombs while standing on the broken gates of hell is comforting to me.
There is the obvious unspoken thought on a lot of people’s minds: are we going to ‘try again’. Well, either God blesses us with another child or he doesn’t. I’ll be honest and say that I pray he does, but I’m trying to keep that from being the focus of my existence right now. That will horrify a lot of people, but there is one thing I’ve learned during this whole tragedy: I’ve learned not to care what other people think, but only what God wants.
Keep us in your prayers. I appreciate the people who have “checked in” over the past week or two, even in the midst of Holy Week and Pascha. This is a lonely place to be and it’s easy to feel forgotten after the first horrifying days. That, of course, would be my fault and not anyone else’s, but I told myself at some point that I would keep this blog honest while avoiding scandal, and admitting that is the truth.
Holy Father Innocent pray to God for us!