I saw the doctor this morning – was there over 2 hours. One of the hardest things was being surrounded by pregnant patients, baby and belly pictures and having to listen to the patient education channel turned to pregnancy care. Another hard thing was having two staff members (lab tech and the doctor’s nurse) not realize why I was there and I had to tell them.* One result of the lengthy wait was being assaulted by thoughts of “maybe the ultrasound was wrong…” I had to fight back. The Jesus prayer helped.
The doctor (as I was afraid of) assumed we’d be doing a D&C later this week. He was going to examine me, do an ultrasound (routine) and then schedule surgery. I said that I would prefer to do expectant management. He didn’t feel like this was the best idea but was willing to wait, do and ultrasound on Thursday instead and revisit it then. Apparently misoprostol is out of the question at this gestation at this hospital. He said that yes, they can get away with that sort of thing at UAB, but not out in the sticks. Lest I be giving you the wrong impression, he was very nice. I’m just summing up.
The exam showed a completely closed cervix. This was very discouraging because it’s got to start softening at some point before I can miscarry. How likely is it that something will happen before Thursday? (Not very likely) Father’s worried that I’m being strong-armed into a D&C against my wishes. I admit it is hard to have a calm, rational and objective conversation when you’re by yourself and have been subjected to almost two hours of baby, baby, baby, baby. I don’t know how to fix this for Thursday because I can’t imagine I’ll be in much better shape. Especially after seeing the baby on ultrasound. (By the way, I plan to ask for pictures from this ultrasound unless there has been significant physical change from last week. In that case I’ll try to get them from the hospital.) God knows.
If God wants me to birth this baby by myself then he’s fully capable of getting it started before Thursday. I’m going to pray, calm down and wait and see. Father is fully supportive of whatever I want to do, but he wants to make sure I’m ok with it first.
I want to thank everyone for their prayers and love. This has been terribly difficult and is not over yet. I’m eating better and getting some sleep so don’t worry about that. Thankfully I have a hilarious four-year-old who makes me laugh even when I don’t want to. While we were home from church Sunday, I lay in bed for the most part and Pickles played. I was more grateful than suspicious that he was so quiet. He came in very excited and wanted me to come see the crane he had made. (This was not long before everyone got home.) This is what I saw when I walked into his room:
I laughed, took pictures, and left it for Father to take down when he got home. I have no earthly idea how my little engineer managed to do this.
*I don’t know why on earth they don’t tag the charts with something that says “LOSS” so this won’t happen. There’s a special tag we put on the door of fetal demise patients in the hospital just for this reason.
Praying With My Feet 
Still praying for you. I pray things will work out as you hope. May God give you peace as you endure this waiting period.
I can't believe Pickles did that by himself. That is crazy! At least you had Fr. to clean it up afterward 🙂
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I remember being with my late sister in the hospital just after she'd had surgery and been told any pregnancy was unlikely. For some insane reason we walked down to the nursery and looked at the babies. She just went completely to pieces. (I didn't know then that she'd had a baby as a young teen and gave it up for adoption; her last view of that baby had been in a similar nursery. It was grief upon grief.) Never understood why she was even on the OB floor — it seemed so cruel. You're so right that there needs to be much more sensitivity at these times.
I will be praying “the prayer that never fails” — Thy will be done!
PS I'm in awe of Pickles' engineering skills!
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hugs and prayers. thanks for the update.
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my heart goes out to you. Last summer when we lost Hope I had to go get a rhogam shot. I found it deeply insensitive that they sent me to labour and delivery for this. I had to go in the L&D triage area where women were in labour. It broke my heart. I honestly don't know why there is such lack of empathy around losses. I'm so sorry you went through that today. I'm glad the doctor was nice, but still, it must be overwhelming at times. I will continue to pray for you. I am very much of a non-interventionist mindset too.
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What an engineering mind indeed. Wow.
Continued prayers.
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your chart really should be labeled so you don't have to go through needless pain- when I had to birth my 20 week baby- the l and d room (and my hospital room for 2 nights) was labeled with a dove. Then, everybody knew not to say stupid things like “what are you having?”
when you are through with this- it would be very merciful of you to share your experience so that policy will change for future women 😦
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Just prayers. I am sorry people were not more sensitive to your loss. Waitingrooms are always horrors, but I can't even imagine how it must have been for you.
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I'm guessing Pickles turned the fan off and on to get the yarn so expertly tangled!
Continued prayers for you and Fr.
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