There’s no guide book on how to do this. I’m not pregnant, but I’m still carrying the baby. I’m no longer nauseated, no longer dizzy, but I still have to get up to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Sometimes I’m fine. Sometimes I can be brave. Sometimes I fall to pieces.
I think the one thing I haven’t asked is “why?” For one thing, I’m not going to know why. Not in this life, anyway. For another, it won’t bring anyone back. I’m not angry at God – I know this is not divine retribution for something or just malice. I know that the only thing I’m surviving on is his grace right now. I’m ashamed to admit though, that the afternoon we found out, after I was alone in the house (Father went to pick up the children), I clutched my belly and shouted, “How could you leave me!?” I felt bad immediately and whispered, “I’m sorry, Mommy didn’t mean it.”
Mommy would have done anything.
|9 weeks 2 days. The only baby picture I have…|