Pain

I’m so lonely this morning. I just couldn’t face anyone yet so I’m home from Liturgy with Pickles. He’s having a fine time watching Bugs Bunny. I forced down some breakfast. Yesterday I worked my way up to two meals. Maybe I can do it again today. I’ve lost five or six pounds.

There’s no guide book on how to do this. I’m not pregnant, but I’m still carrying the baby. I’m no longer nauseated, no longer dizzy, but I still have to get up to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Sometimes I’m fine. Sometimes I can be brave. Sometimes I fall to pieces.

I think the one thing I haven’t asked is “why?” For one thing, I’m not going to know why. Not in this life, anyway. For another, it won’t bring anyone back. I’m not angry at God – I know this is not divine retribution for something or just malice. I know that the only thing I’m surviving on is his grace right now. I’m ashamed to admit though, that the afternoon we found out, after I was alone in the house (Father went to pick up the children), I clutched my belly and shouted, “How could you leave me!?” I felt bad immediately and whispered, “I’m sorry, Mommy didn’t mean it.”

Mommy would have done anything.

Anything.

9 weeks 2 days. The only baby picture I have…

18 thoughts on “Pain

  1. I'm so sorry Meg. I've known much pain on the way to becoming a mother but I was spared this. I wish I could be with you this morning while your blessed 5th child keeps you sweet company. love you.

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  2. Mat.Anna we pray for you and your family. I pray that time and the little we can do will help to heal your broken heart. You are not alone at all. So many of us has felt the loss of a child, born, unborn, or selected for another mother/family. Allow yourself to grieve. You have shared your love with so many of us. I wish there was a way to love you back.

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  3. I won't see a doctor until tomorrow. I'm familiar with the risks but I'm very low risk for an infection. Expectant management, in the absence of other problems is considered safe up to four weeks. I'll be making decisions on a week by week basis. I consider the risks of a D&C to be much higher at this point, and much more difficult for me personally psychologically. I will use it as a last resort. The medication to induce labor has some very nasty side effects that, given my gestation, would only be safe to use as an inpatient because of the very real risk of hemorrhage. This will be my second to last resort.

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  4. I can hardly say that i have any amount of understanding of such a pain like the one you're going through. The only thing i can say is that you're on my mind so many times each day, and i pray for you with an aching heart. I realise this is no more than words right now but i do hope that our God will make something more of it. I pray that God will sustain you and fill your heart with His peace that knows no limit.
    With much Love in Christ risen.
    Athena

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  5. Hi Anna! I am sorry to read your story. I know what you are talking about, as many other moms will too. This is something that we never ever will understand as moms, or humans. It's supposed to be but makes us sad for ever… I had lost a child ones, but we received another lovely child two years later. Still I wonder what kind of child our other one would have been… It's 7 years ago now. You see, you learn to live with this, live just goes on and on, but sometimes it hits again. I can tell you that you get peace with it in time, but it stays a scarf. Just as other scarfs of people we have to burry during our lives. It is supposed to be like this but we are just humans and will never quiet understand it…

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  6. The others have said so many comments so well that I will reiterate my comment, “there is a blessing in this event that you will never know”. You are blessed with 5 healthy children that some mothers will never know, not even one healthy child. Keep busy and reflect on the earthly children. They need an emotionally healthy.
    Mom. Time helps.

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  7. I remember being in this situation—knowing that my baby was no longer alive, but still carrying him, waiting for labor. It's a very strange time. You can't go through normal life when you are waiting to birth your departed child. Yet for me, having that birth experience was another way to mark that baby as one of my children. Of course you will do what is safe and what you need to do. Thank God for modern medicine. But I hope you are able to do it on your own as you prefer.

    Prayers.

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  8. Something else I found to be a comfort was that I was able to get a picture from my ultrasound, which I treasured. I don't know if that would be practical or helpful in your situation, but I found it to be so.

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  9. I completely respect your course of action and I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. For me the feeling of growing less and less pregnant was almost unbearable. My heart breaks for you.

    My kids have often said they wished they could “see” Hope…just once. I never saw her and that was hard. I hope you can get those ultra sound pics. When my sister passed at 1 week old my mom expected to at least get the hospital photos of her, but they didn't turn out. We have only one somewhat dark photo of her. Needless to say, it's a treasure to us. You are in my prayers and I wish I could be closer so I could give you a hug.

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  10. You are so often on my heart and in my prayers. My heart hurts for you. Sending oh so much love your way.

    Perhaps someone else has suggested it, but Mat. Jenny Schroedel's book, “Naming the Child,” was a balm to my heart as I was grieving my lost babies. I can send you my copy if need be– just let me know.

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